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Believe (or The Dreadful Impasse)

I was raised Roman Catholic.  Even as a young boy, I remember the fascination with the church and the rituals.  I was an altar boy at every church we belonged to and even intended to go to seminary to become a priest.  Can you imagine!?  This was all before I learned about any magick, or developed any skills with my abilities, or got my first Tarot deck.

Then the abuse started from my great-uncle, and I prayed to deaf ears.  I begged for it to stop, but my words fell into the void.  Finally I just submitted to my existence, discarding my faith and the inattentive higher power.  I started to develop my empathy at this time.  I even remember that I astral projected several times during mass, while I was sitting in the apse, listening to the priest pontificating at the pulpit.  I didn’t become a bad seed, nor did I discard my morals, values or integrity; but I did think, at such a young age, why am I bothering with this?

It was in my late teens that I was finally excommunicated for being a heretic.  That cut the cord with the Catholic Church and set me loose upon the world.  I made a silent pact with the higher power that I wouldn’t do any thing devious to his happy followers as long as they kept out of my litter box.  It’s been a tenuous relationship since, that’s for sure.

I spent the majority of my teen years and forward learning and practicing my magick.  I can say that I’ve not completely abandoned the concept of a higher power or even multiple higher powers, but I refuse to bow to them, nor will I entreat them.  I don’t feel that I require a go-between either, so all churches and temples are off the table.  If I need to speak to the big guns up in the universe, I’ll do so directly;  this way there’s no error in translation nor chinese whispers.

I can say that I miss the pagentry of the Catholic Church.  I even miss the smell of the old churches, the feel of the wooden pews.  I sometimes wonder how it would be if I had followed down that road and become Father Wildcat.

I won’t give up my gifts nor my practices though.  I won’t be dictated to by a mere human in regards to the celestial (or infernal).  I won’t be told how to think or how to act in accord with someone else’s interpretation of divine law.  If the great kahuna is infinite, with no beginning and no end, and humans as mortals are finite, shrugging off their mortal coil at day’s end, then how can the finite comprehend the infinite?  And how arrogant of them to think that one of greater intelligence, greater perception and greater enlightenment would submit to their prattling and protestations!

A good friend once told me that although I’m not a Christian, I’m the most Christian person they’d ever met.

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