My attempts to get back onto the global web world and come out of the underground seem to have fallen flat. I do make the attempt and yet, when I look around at what society in general has to offer, I go running back to my little cave with the undeniable belief that there’s no point in bothering to come back out.
It was years ago when I lived in Chicago, in the old family house in Bridgeport, living above my grandfather, that I ran away from society. I spent many years of my young life being involved with different circles of people. I was very involved with the gay community, in hopes of getting better legislation for us. I was a model for a short time and moved in the circles of beautiful people. I was involved with online gay chat before the Internet even existed. Yes, we used modems and thought that 14400 baud was fast! I was an influence, strange as it is to say. I was someone.
Through those years I was stabbed too many times by those I considered to be friends. I was used up and was tired. I came to the conclusion that the human race wasn’t worth the effort and retreated to my own little universe. I placed mad restrictions on who could come in, and I put people through a rigorous process just to get to know me. And I absolutely refused to trust anyone.
My former partners didn’t help the situation at all. I kept believing in the notion of love and it only turned out to be either a crazy bout of lust or the desire to be needed by someone. So I stopped dating altogether. I stopped going out. I stopped going to events and functions. The gay organizations became rancid in their practices, far too militant for my tastes. The internet became no great joy either, filling up with lies, deceit, or unobtainable goals.
Thus, I walked away from it all.
I took myself off the internet, and removed as many traces of myself as I could. I had no Facebook. I had no Twitter. I had an email address which I always kept hidden, in addition to several others which I used for registrations. They could get all the junk mail.
So now what? What’s changed?
First off, I met a man who makes me believe in good. His soul is so very precious and pure. He makes me try to see the better side of things. Although he’s not managed to make be have faith in the human race again.
Next, I decided to share my experiences with the world in general. Most of what I think may be complete balderdash. Fair enough. A lot of the advice I give may be taken with a grain of salt. But I now have a great person in my life whom I love with all my being and wanted to share that. Maybe even give people a bit of hope.
If a person such as I who loathes and despises the way that people behave towards each other and themselves for that matter could manage to pull himself back to a place where he can see a glimmer of light on the horizon, maybe others can too.