The Mad Race to the Living End

Yes, it’s another day like any other.  Another day when you basically want to slap the ever-loving crap out of everyone in your way.  That kind of day when you want to drive on and keep going no matter what’s in your path, or who.

I have those kind of days, pretty much hourly!

Often it seems to me that I haven’t got enough time for all the things which I want to get done and spend all that time doing things I need to get done.  There’s a world of difference there between the wants and needs.  As someone who seems to live outside of time, it gets a little overwhelming when the time factor hits me.  The overwhelming feeling of pressure often will stop all action completely so I want to do a number of things all at once but don’t get anything accomplished;  instead I sit with my brain spinning, trying to figure out what first, what next!

As for living outside of time, I’m unable to actually place events on a timeline.  I know that something happened in the past but I’m incapable of actually pinpointing a time within the vastness of linear time.  I can barely get it down to within a year.  There seems to be a lack of connection between the event and the date stamp.  I don’t quite know if this is down to the cPTSD or maybe some odd mystical doing which broke my connection long ago.

As I’ve dabbled so long in the spiritual arts, it could very well be that.  I don’t feel that connection to the now either.  Often I’m out of time, like a relic of some bygone era.  And yet my brain is forward thinking, always going towards the future with past values.  How to apply these values which make the human race more than they are to a future which is reshaping constantly, and if left to its own devices, create an abomination?  I look forward and I weep for what’s to come.

So on these days when the race becomes too much what to do?  I use music as my outlet often enough.  I let it flow through me, feeling the vibrations and using that to try to make some sense of my head.  I sometimes will contemplate a tree, just the majesty of it and wonder how it could exist for so long, just being a tree.  I try to set things down to a form of schedule for the things that need to be done, and in the spaces between, sneak in a little of the want to do’s.

At present (past and future), it’s about the only way I can keep myself from shutting down completely and running like mad from my very existence.