From Blogger: Reflections

Originally Published on Blogger:  08 July 2013

     Well the birthday has passed, another year to look forward to.

     It’s odd when my birthday comes along.  I don’t normally celebrate it; to me it’s just another day.  My partner Michael is more into celebrating it than I am.  We usually will have a nice dinner out, often with friends, although this year it was just him and I.  I like those times when we can get out and enjoy ourselves.  I think the test of a good relationship is when you can enjoy each other’s company alone, not in a huge crowd of people.  And after 5 years, he and I are still going strong.  I’ve found a great man to be with.  I can only wish the same for others, if they’d learn from past mistakes.

     I often look back on what little past I can remember now, especially on birthdays.  I like to think that I’ve learned from the past, learned from mistakes.  Unfortunately, there are many to learn from.  I don’t think I’ve quite learned from past mistakes in regards to friendships.  I’m still very leery to let anyone into my life and happy enough to enjoy being with my partner.  I’ve had too many past friends try to destroy what they couldn’t have and I’m very protective of my partner.  I won’t allow any element of disruption to enter our lives.  To say that I’m selective in who I want to spend my time with is an understatement.  It’s nearer to a phobia, as I don’t always feel that I’m in control of this.

     Betrayal has been a common denominator in the past.  I let people too close and allowed them to destroy what was built.  Through their lies or deception, I didn’t see until too late.  But I think I’ve swung to the opposite pole now and see danger in too many things.  I suppose I’m not fearful as I am suspicious.  I was right about the guy at work, and no one listened to me until he shoved it to them.  Perhaps my radar isn’t so far off.

     To be honest, as I tend to be anyhow, I’d prefer to have a handful of quality friends than a multitude of vipers.  But still, it would be nice to have someone to hang with when my partner is away at dialysis.  This house does get stifling and I get anxious.  There’s only so much Warcraft and SecondLife that I can tolerate.  Week in and week out, three days a week I’m on my own and after all this time, it’s beginning to wear on me.

     Yet I’ve not found anyone local that’s worth the time and trouble to actually get to know.  One friend from the Sauna that we enjoy is all the way out towards Liverpool.  A helluva hike for hanging out.  Most of the other people at the sauna I don’t have much in common with.  I don’t go out and party, getting myself blitzed to the point of stupidity, nor do I feel the desire to go on the town and act a fool.

     I’ve determined on this birthday that my thousand years of mourning are at an end.  To that affect, I’m going to change my style.  No doubt I’ll still be the voice of sensibility, but in brighter colors.  Looking into the wardrobe is like looking into the heart of midnight.  Today, since I have off from work, I figure I’ll go through the clothes and pack some away, discard others.  I will probably wait until he gets home from work so I can have his keen eye to assist.

     Going back to the friendship issue, I’m perhaps not the best person to be friends with, probably not the easiest.  I don’t keep in touch with people as I suppose they think I should.  I don’t post all over Facebook, don’t have a Twitter account and very rarely even update this blog.  Not like anyone really would be following it.  Is anyone?  I’ve always been that way though.  I’ve never been the type of person who reaches out, who calls up to get someone to go out and be silly.  I did enjoy when my friend Ant was around.  But I think it was usually him who called me and wanted to go out.  I just sort of tagged along and enjoyed hanging out with him.  As far as I remember, we spent a lot of time talking and eating at the local restaurant.  Weekends consisted of going out of town or hanging up in BoysTown.  Well it was the thing to do when living in Chicago.

     Yes, I’m not the easiest person to get a hold of, nor the easiest person to hang on to.  But if one can cope with my idiosyncrasies, I do prove to be true as true can be.

     Okay, there’s something to my credit.

     I suppose I’m not the best family member either.  Well, I did walk away from them some time ago, so that would stand to reason.  The only person that I speak to in my family any more is my sister.  Sis is delightful and I’m very happy to hear that her life is a little more settled than it used to be.  She’s always been a remarkably beautiful woman, inside and out.  I don’t think that she really has spite in her soul; she’s just one of those people who give and give.  Her sons, my nephews, are growing up fast, and dealing with the trials of being teenagers.  It’s something we all have to go through.  And she has a wonderful man in her life now.  She also has taken the time to reflect on her life and is trying to go a different path, in hopes of not making the same mistakes.

     This year she sent me a picture from out past and a letter that I’d written when I was younger. It’s confusing to me as I know that I wrote it, no one else writes with a fountain pen.  But I can’t remember the circumstances around it.  I’ll have to talk to Sis and find out why I wrote it.  Oddly, even back then (I think I was about 12 years old) anyone could see that I was focused on my prime drive, love and giving.  I was concerned for my mother’s health and my siblings’ safety.  More to come on this one.  Sis will help me remember.

     I find it sometimes annoying that my memory fails me at the worst of times.  I can remember odd things like the lyrics to songs, or the taste of a school lunch from Mark Sheridan Academy, but most of my past is gone.  I know places that we lived, but can’t connect it to events usually.