Yesterday I went to my mother’s resting place at the mausoleum. It’s been over ten years since I’d been there; the last time was when Michael wished to go and ask for permission to marry me. I had to ask the attendants there where she rested because I couldn’t remember but I found it easily enough.
It was strange to recall my last time there. Again, being a singularity impressed itself upon me. I paid my respects and mentally asked her spirit what I’d done so badly that my love was taken from me. Was I not deserving of love and happiness like any other creature in this universe? Why was it always taken from me after I’d had a taste of happiness? Why was love stripped from my grasp when it was so all consuming?
No reply, not that I expected it. After my time of contemplation, saying my farewell for now, I turned and headed out.
I believe that I am deserving of happiness. And I try hard to be happy. I also have a lot of love to give. I also feel that I can be loved. The unusual thing about Michael and I was the we never TOOK from each other. We gave so much to each other, over and over, back and forth. It was the perfect circuit, drawing forth and giving back. Never asked, only offered. We energized each other so well. It was part of the total support that we had for each other. Instinctively we seemed to know exactly what the other needed at any time.
My friend Burt stopped by later the evening for a visitation and talked with me about how I was feeling. I had to admit that I was feeling fairly numb. I have been for some time. It’s like my emotions are somewhere over there, on a shelf, just sitting. I don’t feel much of anything. When I think of my beloved husband, I can remember the beauty and the happiness, the love and the laughter. But I feel sadness and loneliness. Burt is trying to get me to put that sadness away, it’s not needed, and I have to agree. I do smile when I think of my Michael. I can still hear his laughter in my head. Oh, how I loved to make him laugh. He had the most tremendous smile. It would light up a room. It would light up my soul.
With my Michael, I could shine, like a blazing supernova. He didn’t even do anything to make me that way. It was the way he looked at me. It was the way he held my hand. He used to tell people that we didn’t like to be separated, that we hardly could function apart. This was very true, exhibited when he went into the hospital. We’d start to get very irritable over time. But now I need to keep on functioning apart. All I can do is keep his memory in my heart and go on from there.
I don’t know if my Mother has any answers for me, or how she’ll spiritually convey to them to me. But I do hope that she’s met with my Michael and they’ve had a good time getting to know one another in the beyond. I do hope that she’s polite to his mother as well. She’s a lovely lady although not the sophisticate that my mother was. I hope they all keep smiling on me and I’ll carry on, as I do every day.
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