The past year was an incredible learning experience for me.  The loss of my beloved husband, Michael, threw my world into turmoil that I’d never imagined.  We planned on forever but it’s obvious that other plans were in motion by agents unknown which tossed a monkey wrench into the works.

I’ve never been sensible when it’s come to finance; that’s always been Michael’s bailiwick in the relationship, and he was really good at it.  He could manage money and find deals so easily that he made it look like second nature to him.  He even managed his parents’ finances in addition to our own.  When planning our vacations, he could find the best deals and put together a package that could rival most travel agents.  I, sadly, don’t have these skills.  I’ve always had someone to do these things for me.  Left to my own devices, I’ve historically been a disaster.

But now he was gone and I was left with this pile of things to do, all of which had to do with finances and matters of adulting, another element that I don’t do so well.  Not only did I have to take matters into my own hands, I had to manage my own grieving process, on my own.  I had a few people to rely on and I’m thankful to them for checking on me all the time, but I did begin to think that I was a burden on their lives.  The first month, they called daily, and a good thing too, because I’d reached by absolute nadir.  All I thought during the day and night was “I want to be with my husband” and in the back of my mind, I did try to devise how I could get to him, and not leave a colossal mess for someone to clean up.  They’d call, we’d talk, and I’d look at our furry babies.  They depended on me now.  So did his dad.  The second month wasn’t as bad but still, I teetered on the edge, ready to delve back into the darkness and go to my beloved.

I started to make headroads into this confluence of accounts that needed to be sifted through.  I started with the basic utilities, and some of the things which I knew my name was actually on.  I figured it was better to start with the easy things that require less paperwork or no paperwork at all, because in the first few days, I hadn’t gotten the certificate yet.  I waited on the autopsy report to come back before I could go and register the death and get the certificates.  I had to call his employer as well.  I went through his accounts, for thankfully he had a spreadsheet, and through the bank statements and listed all the incoming and outgoing things that I could see.

I also had my father-in-law’s accounts and matters to manage and separate out.  That was probably more strenuous than my own matters.  There were also some left over things with his deceased mother’s estate that hadn’t been dealt with.  Every time that I had to tell a supplier that my husband died, I choked up.  It got no easier over time.  Even now when I have to say the words, it gets me right in the throat.

Over the next few weeks, I called around and had things shifted to my name.  I sent off letters and certificates to validate my husband’s passing.  I sent power of attorney letters to change around my father-in-law’s financial matters.  Slowly it all started coming together, but I constantly felt with each step that I was erasing part of his existence.  My husband was disappearing and I was becoming a person on my own.  I still feel this way sometimes.

I left the mortgage and bank accounts for last.  The mortgage was not in my name so I didn’t know how that would go. I couldn’t carry it over myself because I’d have to get a loan to pay off the mortgage then take out a mortgage or some such things.  They told me but it went in one ear and out the other because it was too complex for my head to get around.  So I opted to pay it off, with the money he had in our account.  They agreed to this, on the proviso that it comes from an account with his name on it.  My account was jointly held, that worked!  So the mortgage got paid off.  The car was in my name so that got paid off about the same time.

Unfortunately I didn’t realize that my name wasn’t on the credit cards so I couldn’t take them over.  I closed them out and paid up the accounts.  Then I got a new credit card through my bank, just in case.

As I mentioned, my bank account was jointly held by my husband but the main account that everything paid out of was his account; hence the reason I needed to shift as much as I could over to my account.  The savings account was also only in his name, which I didn’t know until I went to bank.  They froze his account, as was the process, and changed my account to be only mine.  They consolidated the moneys into my account.

Some time later I opened an account for my father-in-law, so I could have a more accurate accounting of his money instead of trying to separate it in my accounts.  I sent letters around, again, to get his incoming and outgoing switched over to his new account.

All through this, I kept on working.  I went to the gym to keep in shape.  I cuddled my cats, my only companions.  And I started to go out on Friday to the bar for karaoke.  I got myself onto the gay dating apps, just to see what’s going on.  I managed to find myself a few scam artists, one of which I communicated with for three months.  A pity really that he didn’t turn out to be the real thing.

And I learned to adult over this year.  I learned to manage my finances better, and how to search around for the best deals instead of just settling for the first pretty thing presented to me.  I’ve learned to stand on my own, which I still hate.  I’m incomplete without him in my life.  I don’t think I’ve learned to laugh again, and I’m still often quite numb.  I figure someday I’ll start to feel again.  But for now, things are sorted.  If only for today.

Categories: General

Tagged as: Death Husband Survivor Wildcat

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