It was a beautiful picture we painted.  My Michael and I created such beauty with love.  We met on a blank canvas; anything could happen.  The picture glittered in the bright sun like a million gems against the landscape.  Each day added another spark of brilliance, blazing against the dark.  Together, my beloved husband and I would create the most sublime love anyone would ever see.  And together, we suffered when that pain of stained glass, shimmering with devotion and care, was thrown to the rocky shores and broken to pieces.

Our love never wavered, no that was never the case.  Our trust and loyalty was to the very moment of parting.  No, it was Fate.  It was God(s).  It was the cruel torment of Thanatos which tore our life asunder.

Now, I stand alone, with his spirit in my heart and our memories in my head.  I have spent the last three months changing accounts over to my name.  I still have the probate forms to finish so I can manage the bank accounts and mortgage.  I still have the credit cards to deal with.  And I’m taking care of his father, making sure the nursing home is paid for, ensuring his needs are met.

I hear from his family from time to time and we celebrate his life when we can.  I still have our good friends who spend some time with me time permitting.  But I don’t have any friends of my own yet, nor anyone that I can do things with, such as movies, travel, etc.  Just a companion.

My husband and I had such plans for ourselves.  This year was to be a trip to Chicago so he could experience a true Chicago Christmas.  That’s one trip which I shan’t be making.  I just don’t feel up to it.  Next year we were to go back to Gran Canaria.  Once again, those plans are shelved.  I can’t bear to be in the beautiful isles without my dear man.  He wanted me to see Italy and Greece, which I shall now have to do on my own.  I wanted to go to Russia and Eastern Europe, which I shall have to do unaccompanied.

I do still go to the Steampunk festivals, which he so enjoyed doing.  I often picture him next to me, walking along on my arm.  Or sitting with me in a cafe, holding his hand.  I don’t celebrate the holidays anymore.  There’s no point.  I didn’t celebrate my birthday this year.

I plan to go forward with what my husband wished for us.  I’ll pay off the car this year.  I’ll pay off the mortgage too.  He wanted us to be debt free.  I figure now’s a good time for it since I’m dealing with one salary now.  I’ll pay off the credit cards, and plan to ditch one of them but replace it with a better rate card.

I plan to try and be happy, to learn to do the finances on my own.  He wouldn’t want me to suffer in grief.  I’m taking some online classes to progress my knowledge, as he’d have liked me to advance my career.  I’ll keep the love in my heart and try to learn from his wisdom.  He was the balancing force in my life, the one who kept my emotions stable.  Now I’m trying hard to do that on my own, which some days proves difficult.  I think that his passing destroyed the rage within me, I can’t feel it anymore.   I’ll carry on with his plans for the house, getting it painted, making it a home, our home.

I’ll go out as well from time to time, not allow myself to sit in the house and wallow.  I keep trying to meet people but still fall flat, but someday it will happen.  I just need to find the right place, the right time.

Slowly I’m picking up the pieces of our shattered future.  Bit by bit, day by day, I put them back into place.  The one element that I miss the most is his loving presence.  He’s in my heart, for my love will never dissolve.  I can hear his voice when I think of our memories, remember his touch and his kiss.

I may never be whole again but I’ll do the best I can in memory of him.

Categories: General

Tagged as: grief Husband Wildcat

wildcatleeds

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